Did you hear the one about the…?

To celebrate Manchester Comedy Festival — and put a smile on everyone’s face now the nights are drawing in — we asked our friends and followers on Twitter and Facebook to submit their funniest jokes.

Here are the results…

  • What cheese can you disguise a horse with? Mascarpone
  • What do you call a Frenchman wearing Sandals? Philiipe Flop
  • My husband left me for my obsession with touching pasta. I’m feeling canneloni right now….
  • I went on a once in a lifetime holiday last year…Phew, never again!
  • What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? DOUG
  • what do you a man with out a shovel on his head DOUGLASS
  • what do you call a man with a seagull on his head? CLIFF
  • What do you call a Gorilla with a machine gun? … Sir.
  • Did you hear Greece has stopped production of tatsziki and taramasalata? They fear a double dip recession !
  • 2 parrots sitting on a perch, one smells fish.
  • Some guy just poured a pint of milk over me…how dairy
  • What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon…? Tennish
  • There’s been an explosion in a pie factory…Approx 3.142 dead
  • A cop pulls over a car and finds boot full of penguins. “Take them straight to the zoo” says the cop. Next day the same: cop pulls the same car over for speeding and finds a boot full of penguins wearing sunglasses. The cop says … “I thought I told you took take these to the zoo?” The man says “I did, they loved it so I’m taking them to the seaside today!” Ba-dum-tssssh.

Can you do better? Post your best joke in the comment section below!

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